It is safe for me to be here.

“…Come to the root of the root of yourself. Molded of clay, yet kneaded from the substance of certainty, a guard at the Treasury of Holy Light—come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

Once you get hold of selflessness, you’ll be dragged from your ego and freed from many traps. Come, return to the root of the root of your Self…”

Rumi

MY MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON ME

For years, I interpreted the feelings of being grounded as sadness.  Naturally,  I avoided them as much as possible.  I ran from them, chased them away with anything I could get my hands on.

Eventually, I began to see trees spinning around in meditation.  I tried to make myself believe that it was there to teach me a lesson about symmetry and the non-duality of existence, but deep, deep inside, there was a panic.  I knew that a tree couldn’t grow, let alone produce fruit, if it didn’t have soil to sink its roots into.  It must be grounded.

I had a sense of panic because I didn’t know how to fix it.  I couldn’t be in my body. So many many bad things had happened there.  I couldn’t go inside.  Its like there was a band around my throat that kept me in my head and away from the place where I could be hurt so deeply.   Away from the place that made me so particularly vulnerable. I wanted out of my body. Off of this ride. Away from this planet where there was so much pain and suffering.

This thinking took me in to a depression that almost killed me.  Strange how running from groundedness filled my blood with lead…

Its like my body was doing everything in its power to lead me to water and push me to drink.  The more my head tried to find a way to jettison me out of my existence, the heavier my blood became.

LIFTING OUT OF THE PIT

The things I used to get myself out of the pit I was in are the things I use with my clients now: inner child work, grounding in daily life, sending small, perpetual messages to my self/body/being that I’m glad I’m here and I’m worth caring for.

Simple things like:

Making my bed when I wake up in the morning.

Getting dressed in the morning, even if I’m not going anywhere.

Keeping my house tidy even when there’s no one coming over.

Cooking healthy meals for myself even if no one is eating with me.

Taking 5 minutes to straighten up before I go to bed at night so that when I come down in the morning the house looks nice.

Using baby oil after my shower to keep my skin soft.

Getting outside every day.

They’re small things.  Physical things.  Many things a mother does for a small child.  They ground me in my body and my world by demonstrating that I care.  Saying I love my self and my body isn’t good enough.  I have to show it. Daily.

In writing this morning to further process what we covered in last night’s Mood Management Monday class on the root chakra, I realized just how important these practices are- how closely aligned they are to the affirmations for the root chakra:

• It is safe for me to be here.
• The Earth supports me and meets my needs.
• I love my body and trust its wisdom.
• I am interested in abundance.
• I am here and I am real.
• I trust my Higher Power fulfills all my needs.
• My life is full of prosperity.

ROOTING IN THE BODY

Imbalances in the root chakra show up as anxiety and fear, disorganization, financial difficulties, trouble in your career, greed, fear of change, clinging to security, weight issues.   Physical neglect or abuse can cause issues.  It undermines our feeling of safety in the world and our bodies and we disconnect.

Disconnecting is a very natural response to abuse and neglect.   Yet, staying disconnected makes us miserable.  The body, in its wisdom, tries to get us to connect again.  We, in our folly, don’t always recognize the signs.

Eating is a root chakra activity.   Its one of the first ways we bond with our mothers when we’re born.  If that bonding didn’t happen fully, it makes sense that we would turn to eating in an attempt to get the Mother’s Milk we’re craving.  When we convince ourselves that what we need is outside of ourselves, it makes sense that our bodies would hold on to food and metabolize it as slowly as possible to make it last.  Maybe we won’t find anymore for a while! We better make this last!

Clinging to the past, clinging to memories as if we won’t have anymore– it gets in the way of our present relationships.   Likewise, the body clings to calories and gets in the way of being able to do that yoga pose or whatever else it is that we’re beating up our body for when its actually our head fixing the game.

“FEEL THE CHAIR SUPPORTING YOU…”

During last night’s meditation with Tibetan singing bowls to get connected with our root chakras, I felt tension melting away from my jaw area.  Then I felt it dripping away from my shoulders.  Just this weekend, J had remarked about tight my shoulders were.  “I’m worrying a lot about money.” I told him.  I’m just starting the second year of my business.  Stability is not yet the name of my banking game.  At ecstatic dance Sunday morning, Cheri set the intention on forgiveness, and my body took me to surrender over and over again.  Showed me how much I fight gravity– how much I fight What Is.  Sitting in my chair as the sound of the bowls washed over me, I wondered how many of my fears and resentments, worries and frustrations stem from feeling unsupported.   The addictions that occur when the root chakra is imbalanced are all tied to feeling supported: food, gambling, shopping, work.  They’re all ways to try to gain support and security.

I have all these stories about being unsupported.  Stories about why I wasn’t supported.  Stories about why I’m not supported.  Stories about whether I’m worthy of support.  Stories about what support costs.  Stories about what support means.

So there I am, with my body supporting my life, and the chair beneath me supporting my body, and my house supporting the chair, and the earth supporting my house, watching all these stories about being unsupported run through my head.

The problem is not lack of support, the problem is not seeing the support.  The problem is being afraid to receive the support all around.  The problem is the way these stories drip their poison over the soul over the years, and how our eyes, ears, and heart closes as a result.

I’d spent the height of Sunday morning’s dance wave spiritually wretching.  Leaned over heaving with all I had to get out the poison I’d been fed.  I realize now what it was I was purging.  How my body knows before I do what it is I need!

To close out last night’s work with the root chakra, it seemed natural to do a fire ceremony to echo the root’s fire energy.  We tossed our physical and monetary fears into the flames to transform them into the acceptance and abundance that comes when we connect to how our bodies, the Earth, and the Universe are supporting our every need.

How much resistance do you have to the root chakra affirmations listed above?   Why not journal a little bit about each one and see what you discover?

Getting to the root of it

Last night during my weekly Mood Management Mondays class, we worked with Patchouli, an oil that addresses body shame and body judgment.  Considering the WASP body-shame culture the hippies emerged from, it makes sense that they relied heavily on patchouli to shake off ideas that the body is evil, sinful, and disgusting.  In many ways, we haven’t shaken this idea off as a culture.  Though we now use the language of fitness/image/beauty instead of religion, the puritanical emotional m.o. is the same.  (Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth draws this metaphor out exquisitely)

Even though I’ve done research for the class and had my own experiences with the herbs/oils we’ll be working with, I’m always struck with the power of doing a plant meditation in a group and sharing our experiences with one another. Last night was no exception.

Though patchouli is a low bush, everyone had visions of the forest.  Of eating the forest, of being the forest, of being a tree, branches held high to the sky. Why would an oil that addresses body shame and body judgment have us turning into trees?  What is it that trees understand that we need to learn?

When I was living in Utrecht, I kept getting these images in my meditation of trees spinning around because they weren’t grounded.  The roots had no soil, and they were in a spin- not knowing where to build out to gather sunshine or bear fruit.

Last night, I really connected to the awareness that if I wasn’t in my body, I wouldn’t be able to keep my heart open.  If my heart is not open, I’m not going to be able to bear fruit in my life.  Contentment will be hollow and short-lived. Relationships will visit authenticity, but not live there.

Patchouli supports the root chakra.  If the root chakra is unbalanced, it can result in financial insecurity issues.   Affirmations for the root chakra are “I have a right to be here.” and “I have a right to my needs.”  It makes sense that if we can’t receive the truth of these statements fully, manifestation will be blocked, money problems will seem to always surface, and feelings of connection and belonging will be elusive.

As we moved deeper into conversation with the oil, the grounding feelings intensified.  I was reminded of an experience I had at a 5 Rhythms workshop earlier this summer on Yes & No in the body where  I realized that I had been experiencing grounding feelings as sadness.  The doTERRA book I have on Emotions and Essential Oils describes patchouli as “balanc[ing] those who…seek to escape the body through spiritual pursuits.”   Up until about 4 years ago, my spirituality –regardless of what house it practiced in–had been about trying to find the escape hatch out of my body.  Not surprising for someone that has experienced physical and sexual abuse, but last night I became acutely aware of how bracing myself against my body was also preventing me from letting that unconditional, transcendent Love that every religion preaches truly flow through me.

After the plant meditation, we did a writing exercise that puts you in touch with the voice of the body.  I am always amazed at how loving the voice of the body is. It is not harsh and judgmental.  It does not criticize.  It does not shame- even in areas and about issues you’d think it would.  It speaks of my neglect and mistreatment of it in the most compassionate and kind way you could ever imagine.  When it shows me how I’ve taken advantage of it, it is not in the resentful voice of the victim, but simply showing me how I’m hurting myself by doing so.  It shows me these things by praising the thing- no matter how small- that I’m doing right.  The way it lifts me up is so humbling. It is an amazing, miraculous role model for agape. It really honestly only wants what’s best for me.  its job is to support me and it does so  gladly.

Most of my life, I’ve braced myself against fully entering my body.  I didn’t trust it.  Grounding felt heavy and sad to me and I wanted to feel light and floaty.  What was I bracing myself against?  I asked myself last night. Why was I afraid?

I didn’t trust being in my body.  I didn’t trust what would happen there or how it would make me feel.  My conditioning, both religious and cultural, told me that the body is not to be trusted and listened to, but to be held suspect and denied.

Why?  What has it ever done to me?  I’ve done much to it, but what has it ever done to me?

I’m reminded of moments when I felt betrayal- when it responded to things that were abhorrent to me or even traumatizing psychologically.  I can count these moments on one hand. Why do I weight them more heavily than the millions of times that my body supports me through every day moments or even times when I’ve pushed it to the edge? Why do I forget all the ways it tried to warn me of danger and I didn’t listen? Why don’t those times count for anything? If I was in a relationship with someone that brushed past the things I did for them every minute of every day to hold on to isolated incidences, what would that feel like? If I was being blamed for something happening that I tried to stop, how would I respond? How cruel is that?

I still have healing to do.  Everyone does. I need my body to be able to do that.  I need to be in my body to keep my Heart open enough to let the blood flow and cleanse and nourish.  All the incessant circling in the sky above my body just landed me from one frying pan into another fire.  Its been coming in to my body that’s gotten me as far as I’ve come.  Its time to fully step in now and chant “There’s no place like home.”Join us for Mood Management Mondays every Monday in NC Mesa.  More information and tickets are available on my website at http://www.lifelinedevelopmentcoaching.com/mood-management-mondays1.html