Tag Archives: relationship with body

Why we’re afraid to be in our bodies


It is with good reason that many of us don’t feel safe in our bodies.

Don’t know how ya’ll were raised up, but in the Southern Baptist family I grew up in, the body– especially the female body– was dirty, shameful, yucky, gross.  The fact that we are even on this planet means we did something wrong: Earth is a punishment.  The body would lead you astray, I was taught.  The body is corrupt and vile.
These ideas come from gross misinterpretations of Eden.  I’ve done a lot of pondering and questioning about how much more is in those stories in Genesis than most of us are told.  One article is here.  Whether or not you were raised in a church, if you’re in the West, these misconceptions impact how you see yourself, the planet, and your body.  Looking at these stories with my own eyes instead of accepting  (then rejecting) the interpretations I was raised with have gone a long way in my recovery and my relationship with my body.

Last week we worked with the Heart Chakra at Mood Management Monday .  One of the things that can block the Heart Chakra (and often the root of heart, circulatory, and lung issues) is holding on to anger and resentment.  Physical abuse, betrayal, unprocessed grief, shaming, and abandonment are all traumas that can impact the healthy functioning of our heart centers.  Once able to do that, though, our strength in finally grasping the lessons the heart center hold for us– forgiveness, unconditional love, letting go, trust, and compassion–is powerful indeed.

It was only after I mourned my loss of innocence that I realized that there’s no choice involved in optimism, enthusiasm, trust, and all the other components of child-like wonder if I’ve not experienced every reason to be pessimistic, withdrawn, and cynical.

As I started writing this, I’d prepared the materials for Monday’s class on the throat chakra since we’ll be travelling until Monday.  After running into this article about 21 Women holding signs of things their abusers have said to them, as well as this article about 21 Men holding signs of things their rapists said and standing in this soft spot between the heart and the throat- I knew I had address this very real reason why we run from our bodies– and why we have such a hard time talking about why so we can find our way back home to our bodies.   For more information about the project the pictures are from, check out Project Unbreakable

Bad things have happened here

Bad things have happened to far too many of our bodies.  1 in 3 women have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  Numbers concerning men aren’t very reliable as so few men come forward to report their assaults.

No one believes me or cares what happened

Regardless of sex or gender, many people are met with disbelief, shaming messages, or even outright ridicule when they do come out and tell their story.   Its striking how many of the men that were sexually assaulted were called girls.  As much as I could write an entire post about all the ways calling someone a girl as an insult is completely f-ed up, here we can easily see how its used to shame, gain control over someone, and how it supports rape culture.  By calling these men (or then boys) girls, there is the idea that they are there to be fucked.  Literally and figuratively.  They are to be used and abused.  They are to keep silent about that abuse.

I’m not sure what happened.  They said I wanted it.  Did I?

I was molested as a child several times before my mom’s husband molested me.  Both my parents were alcoholics- my dad the sort that stayed gone and was cheating on the people he was cheating with, my mom the sort that wallowed in anger and bitterness.  Positive attention was a rare and exotic creature at my house.  Like all children, I desperately needed attention.  Like all girls, I was taught that being coy and sexy was the way to get it from men.  I didn’t know what it meant.  I was just acting the way I’d been taught.  I would be happy when I was getting attention, then scared and confused when it went to this dark muffled place where grownups would breathe weird.

The confusion continued into jr. high.  There was a junior that I had such a huge crush on- he was on the cross country team.  We’d stopped on the way home from a meet one day to make out.  I wanted to kiss him. That I wanted.  I didn’t want to be orally raped.  It smelled weird and looked weird and made me gag.  He said I wanted it, even though he was pushing my head down and keeping it down.  He said that I was sending signals.  That my mouth was so pretty he couldn’t help himself.

Being raised in an abusive home, my abusers projected their intentions on me all the time.  I didn’t know what I thought anymore and to this day have to work not to automatically assume the worst about something I’ve done or where my motives are.  Hard habit to break after spending my childhood wondering whether or not I had had the bad intentions my mom and grandma said I did.  I didn’t think I did, but it kinda made sense for me to… and now that they said it…
So did it work the same with boys?  Had I been asking for it by being so pretty?  Had  wanting to kiss like that meant I wanted all of it?  I wasn’t sure.  These are the things I thought about as I hoped and waited for him to call me later…

My body got me in to this mess to begin with

Every person that molested, assaulted, or raped me told me that I was so pretty they couldn’t help themselves.  I am not alone in this.  It is the double-bind women are put in:  worthless if they’re not fuckable, in danger if they are.  Unconsciously, I put on weight to protect myself.  To weed out those that would use me and those that would love me for who I am. It didn’t work to protect me any more than conservative floral dresses, following “the rules” or even hijab did, but it seems to be the security attempt that I have the hardest time shaking.  Its easy to think its my body’s fault I had those experiences.  Having a female body is a liability.  Having a hot female body is “asking for it.”

My body- my female body- was a big part of the reason I didn’t feel safe on this planet.

My mind was horrified, but my body reacted to it.  It betrayed me.

I am not alone in these sorts of stories.  In my years of teaching, I had many students disclose their stories to me.  Stories of confusion and ambivalence.  The more conservative the upbringing, the more confusion and ambivalence.  Normal, healthy sexual desire is pathologized in girls in America.  You’re a slut for even thinking about it.  Peggy Orenstein addresses this beautifully in her book School Girls, and ties it to our high teen pregnancy rates.  Its better to be “caught unawares” than to be the slut that thinks about it beforehand and takes contraception.  “How can you say no if you’re not allowed to say yes?” she asks.  Though the book was written in the early 90s, the recent discourse on contraception shows us that we haven’t moved forward much on this issue, and have more in common with Iran and Saudi Arabia in our approach and attitudes than the rest of the Western world.

Yet there are times when there is no ambivalence.  We don’t want it.  We know that.  But our bodies reacted anyway.  Sometimes even had orgasm.  The sense of betrayal by the body is deep and intense.  How could it have done that?  There is an assumption that the body’s reaction equals complicity.



Sexual development gets hijacked

If there’s a history of abuse, this becomes even more complicated.  The molestation shapes your sexuality.  That’s one of the many damages that sexual abuse does- it hijacks the child’s sexual development.  Instead of exploring their sexuality in their own way at their own pace, that development is steered by their abuser.  Porn can also hijack the sexual development. It is often used by abusers, which is why exposure to porn is listed as sexual abuse in the literature.

In many of my relationships, the sex was good- I was an equal player and my needs and desires were valued and met.  As a young woman, I took control of that, though.  If I wasn’t satisfied, I took over.  I didn’t wait for him to know what he was doing in order for me to be satisfied.  Yet in one of my major relationships, he didn’t want me to move, so I became passive physically.  Since I couldn’t use my body the way I wanted to, I went into my head.  A very strange and scary fantasy world began to take shape.  If any of those fantasies ever played out, I would be TERRIFIED.  It would be horrific.  But that’s what went through my head during those 5 years while my body laid still in whatever position.  My mind sexualized the lack of agency and fed it back to me to get off.  I’m still working to de-energize some of that.

I can’t talk about it

There are so many layers of input from our home environments, media depiction, religious upbringing, cultural mores– so many of which are conflicting and confusing, their very intention seems to be to gaslight us and knock us off center.  Added to the mix are all the emotions– all of which uncomfortable–that go with it.  Its hard to talk about it.  Its hard to find the words.  The experience is so wretchedly steeped in shame and fear and excruciating horrific vulnerability that its very difficult to stay in it long enough to even try to find words, let alone articulate all the layers upon layers upon layers that take us to the core of who we are.

Its too stuffy in here- I can’t breathe.

Its hard to talk about.  I’ve been like popcorn out of my chair since the Knowing that I had to write about this hit. I’ve got a million things to do.  We should be leaving in an hour.  I can write in on the road…

but I know I need to write it now.  I need to sit in this place of discomfort.  Breathe space enough for whatever needs to come up to come up.  Otherwise it stays stuck and and I end up acting like a robot- reacting to triggers- instead of the human being I am who has free will.

Breathe space around it. Whatever it is.

Air is the element of the heart chakra.  When difficult emotions or memories surface, they can feel suffocating- so of course the instinct is to do anything to get away from it.  Its where addiction starts.  Its often the core of procrastination.  We’ll shove the emotions down, and do anything to get away from them.

Breathe some space around them instead.  With every breathe, give them a little more space so they’re not up in your face anymore.  It will still be uncomfortable, but you’ll be able to breathe.  Keep breathing, and hear what they have to say.  Our emotions have good information to share with us, and listening to them is key to a healthy body and relationships with others.

1399803_600528526661954_549979472_oListen & Release

Emotions don’t want to hijack us and pull us into a deep dark pit and hold us hostage for months or even years, regardless of what our egos tell us when they begin to bubble up to the surface.  They just want to speak their piece and be heard– just like we do.  When they are fully felt, they leave.  Its that simple.  Its not easy, but it is simple.

When we deny them their voice, not only do we re-create the experience that sparked them until we do finally fully feel and release them, but they live in our bodies and cause all sorts of problems.  I’m also convinced that our physical metabolism is closely linked to our emotional metabolism.  If we’re holding on to emotions, we will hold on to fat no matter how well you eat or how much you exercise.

Befriend the body

During a trauma, there is too much going on for us to process all of it in the moment.  We are marvelous creatures with mechanisms built into our psyches and bodies to keep our fuses from completely overloading and blowing up.  The emotions we can’t process in the moment are stored until we have the ability and tools to be able to deal with them.  The body remembers everything.  There are times when we check out, but the body is still there- going through all of it, taking the hit for us until we’re able to sort things out and let it go.

It does this in addition to all of its daily chores of sifting through the air to get our oxygen, the blood to gain nutrients and release toxins, protecting us from invaders external and internal perpetually.  If you’re alive, your body is working overtime for you.

It really is our best friend.  Always here for us.  Always providing and helping us.  Like any friendship, there will be times when things are difficult or we don’t understand them.  Like any relationship, we have to learn to listen and strive to be compassionate, understanding, and just in our dealings.

Though the body was the locus of much of the pain, it is also the portal to release the pain.

Magnificent or Desirable?


“To tell the truth is to become beautiful, to begin to love yourself, value yourself. And that’s political, in its most profound way.”  —June Jordan

I completed my first section tonight.  I used an exercise I was first exposed to in dance form via Eugene Hedlund’s Lines in the Sand workshop, called “Yes & No in the Body”  (Eugene will be in Phoenix this weekend doing a workshop on “5 Rhythms: A key, not a cage”.  Powerful stuff. Check it out here.) As Integrity and Authenticity are the legs the World Academy for the Future of Women walks on, I thought it was the perfect foundational exercise to get these young women leaders to become allies with their bodies and listen to the guidance that it offers.  How can you stand in authenticity if you’re ignoring your gut?  How can you have integrity if you’re disconnected from your body? Yet the messages about femininity that women are pummeled with every day via advertising, movies, tv, news, magazines and more encourages just that.  Women more often than not experience their bodies only as objects.  They look at their bodies from the outside rather than experiencing them from the inside.

Of course, this diminishes self-esteem, sense of empowerment, sense of self, even.  How can you stand in Power if you can’t even stand in your own skin? How can you have integrity and authenticity—be Whole and Real—if you’re looking to escape your body? Aren’t allies with that which has been with you every second of day since you were born and will be with you until you die?

These are some of the questions we explored tonight.

Sunday, I got an email from Grace, one of the student office staff for WAFW.  She’s the Ambassador Director, in charge of finding assistants for visiting speakers and facilitators, and making their stay with WAFW at SIAS and Xinzheng comfortable.  She had some questions about my slides and wanted to know if we could meet.  When I arrived at the office, she pulled up this slide:

Relationship to the Body slide


“I don’t understand what you mean here” she told me.  I began to explain that I was drawing parallels between our being able to fully embrace our bodies and our ability to fully embrace integrity and authenticity.  Without these, we’re unable to fully express our Power.  She saw the link between Integrity and Authenticity being the foundation for Power, but me connecting that to the body was causing some issues.  “I’ve never thought of that” she said, her brow furrowed. “How can my arms, my hands, my feet, help me build these characteristics?”

“How can you build those characteristics without your arms, your hands and your feet?” I asked. “Do you have integrity and authenticity if you don’t have actions behind your words?  Don’t your arms and hands and feet do that instead of your mind?”

“This I understand,” she replied, “but that’s different from my body guiding me.” Grace is fiercely intelligent.  Her questions are probing and tireless.  She doesn’t let go until she fully understands.  It’s what immediately drew me to her the first moment we met in a staff meeting over the weekend.  “How can the body guide me?  It is important for me to work on my mind, for me to listen to my heart, but how can my body guide me?”

“Isn’t your heart part of your body?  Isn’t your gut?”

Paradigm shift happening in 3…2…1…

There is nothing more beautiful than the radiance that came over her as she began to see through the haze to what I was pointing towards.  We talked about how the body grounds us in the Here and Now.  How it holds all of our memories, yet has no ego.  How much it has to tell us if we’ll just listen to it.  How it’s our best friend–working for us tirelessly every second of every day.  Grace is an International Nursing student with ambitions of becoming a Nurse Practitioner if she can secure the visa to study it, so she knows better than the many just how hard the body is working for us.

Since there’d been some issues with connecting with my assistant, Grace said she would be my assistant.  She arranged for others to escort me to class last night, but tonight she picked me up and even stayed through the class.  I’m glad she was there.  I knew she really understood what I was seeking to get across, so she was the perfect person to translate when needed.

Its amazing how many stories we attach to such simple words: yes, no.  Incredible that so much baggage can be attached to just a handful of letters. How much we heap on them. How afraid of them we are. How much we read into them, even when there’s no context.  The academy members opened themselves up fully to the experience.  We had a great discussion after to process the activity—the sometimes halting English wasn’t an obstacle.

“Why do we say “Yes” when we want to say “No”?  Why do we say “No” when we want to say “Yes”?”

Oftentimes, it’s because we’re worried about what others will think, what others will say.  How much energy we lose worrying about this!  How much drama we have in our lives because of it! More importantly, it sets us up in a place where what’s going on outside of us is more important than what’s happening inside of us. Puts us in a place where being desirable is more important than being magnificent.  What are we really saying yes to?  What are we really saying no to?