I’d had an amazing day. Spent the morning in a Wise Woman Herbalism class where the teenager inside of me was giggling the whole time about how cool it was that I was sitting in the middle of the desert learning about deepening my healing relationship with plants. Hard to imagine a place farther away from my fundamentalist WASP background. The class and the women in it had been so affirmative of the body of knowledge growing inside of me throughout my life. A confirmation of intuition’s power to train us up in the way we should go, and the collaborative support of Life around that.
Afterwards, I met some friends for a late lunch. We’d laughed about how the only way we seem to be able to get together is when one of us calls 10 minutes away from the other’s freeway exit and a cascade of calling and coordination whirls us into the closest locally-owned gathering spot where we while away the hours over pitchers of sangria or pots of tea.
Got back home to melt into the couch and my sweetheart’s arms as we enjoyed the evening of “doing nothing” that we’d promised each other in the bridge of one fast-paced week and the next. Made a phone call to some friends that had amazing news, and tossed around an idea I got about doing “storybook weddings” where I work with couples to find their totem animal, then write a folktale about it for their ceremony. Flipping through my class binder, I got the idea to do a series of creative classes where we’d explore the different chakras and what feeds them and do craft projects based on that.
A beautiful day.
Pretty late, this voice began to streak through my head. It told me that I hadn’t been as supportive of a friend going through a rough spot as I should have been. A bit later, it ran through again, dropping another bit of evidence of my unworthiness as a friend. Another message came through. At this point, I knew that the Saboteur was around. It seems these ideas I’d had were really good ones, and the Saboteur showed up to undermine my confidence and convince me that no one wants what I have to offer.
When the Saboteur shows up, grab your flashlight. Whatever you do, don’t let it keep the lights off and hide in the Dark.
I used to call it “Splash Back”. You know when you’ve finally realized you’re stuck in the mire, gathered the strength to get out of the mire, then found a bank to pull yourself up on- once raised out of the muck, there is this splash back that laps up against your legs and knocks you off balance a little bit. It feels like its trying to pull you back under. Knowing that its there and what it is helps me to find my balance and stand firm. Brene Brown called it a “vulnerability hangover” in her TED talk. Love that term. I knew precisely the space she was describing, and her giving language to it affirmed my experience that it was a means of pulling us backwards- and a natural part of the process.
I’d had an amazing day. I’d started something I’d always wanted to do- the Herbalism class- and the creative energy unleashed from that brought some ideas that’d been simmering under the surface to the boil. I’d spent the afternoon in the warm, healing, glow of deep, authentic, emotionally intimate friendship. The evening sinking deeper into that space on an even more intimate level. And here it was. This shame-laden voice flashing through my mind building a case that I’d fallen short of so many important tasks that I’d moved from doing a bad thing to being a bad thing. As I’ve learned to do, I spoke it out loud.
If dark, shamed-filled voices are running through your head, speak out loud what they’re whispering.
Doing this in the presence of someone that you love and trust is even more powerful. Speaking the shame-laden whispers aloud brings them in to the light. They grow in the dark. Bring them in to the light. I’ve learned to do this in my relationship with my partner. I know that he loves, respects, and honors me, so when I have some thought that suggests otherwise, I say it out loud so that I can see the look of surprise on his face and see just how untrue that thought was.
So I spoke it out loud. I said what I was hearing, and J asked me where that was coming from. The thoughts stopped then, but the feeling persisted. I felt heavy. Sad. Lonely. Worthless.
Are you well-nourished, hydrated, and have you had enough rest?
I didn’t feel like I was tired enough to go to bed, so we pulled some stuff up on Netflix. The feelings continued. Part of me didn’t want to go to bed, but I began to realize that the feeling was likely feeding off my being tired. I’d woken up earlier than usual that morning for the herbalism class. I remembered the line in Vasilissa when the doll repeats “The morning is wiser than the evening” so I decided to get ready for bed.
Go into gratitude
By the time I’m getting ready for bed, the feelings have spread from thoughts critical of my new project ideas to totally knocking out my present ones. I breathed to create space around the thoughts and detach from them. They’re not doing me any good, and clearly coming from a place that is not my friend. J dropped off the minute his head hit the pillow, so I commenced to name the things I was grateful for that day quietly to myself. I began with being grateful for the recycling trucks that came an hour earlier than usual and got me up just minutes before my alarm, to the amazing opportunity to study Wise Woman traditions, to my wonderful friends to my taste buds, and the dear man sleeping next to me. I could feel the energy shifting more intensely with each counted blessing. I fell asleep humming with a feeling of contentment and happiness.
Before waking up, I had a dream where I was working on a video project to expand education. It was promoting a festive event we were doing. The video was done- and was absolutely beautiful—but so serious. “Look ya’ll, “ I told the team, “we’re promoting this fun event to help folks—we should show that first- let the fun get folks’ attention.”
What a great way to move through life! Have fun and help people! Clicks so nicely into the messages I’ve been getting about not taking things so seriously.
Writing this as we’re on the road to Payson to enjoy nature and be able to take a hike in the shade. Gonna turn this idea around and see how I can bring my life better in alignment with that…
(post script: dropped my phone in a pool under the natural bridge and my car overheating meant driving back at 40mph with the heater blasting moving through the Arizona desert back to Mesa. But more on that later- wanted to get this up before I take my car in. It was a beautiful day all the same.)